Two aspects of a human condition that is somewhat affected by the onset of Stroke. "Mobility" and "Dexterity".
Basically different folks are affected in different levels of ability - as Stroke effects are different from person to person. There is not an exact catch-all chart or anything like that to read from, but there are general guidelines for doctors' and rehab specialists' actions for.
Some folks need a wheelchair for the rest of their life - for lack of mobility or even dexterity - and some, well, their dexterity is affected in someway that they cannot deny.
MOBILITY
Lying in the Stroke Acute Ward for a month, and recovery ward for another month, I have seen different folks affected differently by Stroke. Some folks walk around like nothing ever happened (more brain-problems than physical problems) and some need a wheelchair or a walking aid to move around.
I remember regaining consciousness after a few hours of being under (or rather "under observation" for a limited time before folks feel i could recover or go under the knife) and the subsequent days to be quite a mindscrew. I remember walking, i remember jumping, skipping and all the things "regular" folks do on a daily basis - but my limbs "did not remember" any of that. I could hardly put one feet in from of the other, much less be able to go to the toilet on my own, or even shower myself. I couldn't even stand up straight while holding unto a side railing in a hospital corridor. This lasted for a few weeks.
And for weeks after "re-educating" the limbs, had i also gained the strength to carrying on with daily exercises, to reach a point where i can walk myself to the toilet, take a shower standing up, and get up and about with my walking cane (and my chaperone aka "Dad") to my acupuncture and (former) rehab sessions.
But these are the general broadstrokes that are visible immediate to the eye - as is the way i "walk" - with a slightly tilt or as the medical practitioners say "gait" - I walk not like a normal person would, but with a slight feeling as if something is wrong my legs (which loads of strangers had actually attributed to an accident involving my legs) or i am a struggling "drunk". Some folks walk with a very obvious gait, like broader legs apart and affecting the torso and entire body rhythm.
Regardless of how we walk, i reckon we (or at least "me") is bloody happy I can walk in any instance, innit?
And a lot of the issues which affect such mobility, is that a portion of the brain, had been affected by the blood clot or bursting, when the blood flow to the brain is affected, as in the case of Stroke. The region of the nape/neck s where most problems happen, and a whole lot of time - for the physically disabled - is the "balance" of the person, is affected.
BALANCE
You need balance for basically everything you do, that involves you standing up and being mobile. And it is not just walking a straight line (I still have trouble doing that now), it is also other simpler things in life folks take for granted. I use myself and my abilities (or lack thereof) as an example here:
1. Standing on one leg balanced for more than 2 seconds. I am improving but not great. As with most Stroke, one side of the body is affected - in my case, the "Stroke-side" is right, where both my right leg and arms was/is affected. My master-arm is the right-arm, so you can imagine my freakout (more on that later below under "dexterity").
2. Walking Up or Down steps. Up is never much of a problem (with or without side-handles) but am working on my walking-down without side-handles. And it is a slow walk, as at moments in time, one leg would be suspended above while the other takes over the weight, right? Hence, "balance".
3. Crossing over a curb or bump. Again, same issue of balance, but in the middle of nowhere, there is no side-railing to hold unto - hence my walking stick comes in handy. These days i tend to maneuver around/over obstacles like this without much fuss (but for the fear of falling flat on my face of course hahaha) but tis conquerable, nevertheless. You think walking and crossing over the raised step in the HBD toilet doorway is "easy"?
4. Closing my eyes and standing with one-leg-in-front-of-another. Try it yourselves and see how it is. I cannot do it for more than 5-8 seconds (or less) as the feeling of falling is ever present and is a tangible situation happening.
Because of the lack of balance, or the uncontrollable aspect of such, a lot of folks tend to "fall" - especially happens for older folks. Although this is not exclusive to Stroke, the ability to be stable affects older folks as well - but with Stroke - it is an added risk.
I have heard numerous stories and recollections of old folks who fall, after leaving rehab (or even during, but specifically at home), dislocate their hip, or other parts, and it is heart-breaking. I am also wary that even tho I might be able to waddle around like a drunk man - because that IS literally how I look like and feel like moving about - there is also the fear of falling or taking a misstep, and getting all the issues back up again.
For sure folks can say: "Take That Step Forward!" - but for the lack of balance skills, how can folks dare be able to "right" themselves as easily as healthy, able-bodied folks do?
But of course try, day to day, step by agonizing step.
DEXTERITY
When Stroke happened, it affected my right-side of the body, which meant my master-hand (which was the right hand) was affected severely initially. Some folks (including myself) pretend to act like a spastic-person and cup their hands to represent that - and that is not wrong. Besides the obvious bodily-mobility, dexterity might also be affected, with the "cupped hand"one of the more recognizable effects.
I remember not even being to hold unto something with my hand, much less be able to draw, or even write. Through time I was lucky in such that i can hold and draw, and even trained myself to write unlike a small kid would, and write in a decent-ish straight line/s. I have a notebook filled with essays (written during my months stay in rehab-recovery) to show the change.
And being able to type with both hands (yes I do that lol) is a relief, although I have not been able to hold a pen or ink s steadily as I used to - which disturbs me greatly, but I shall not complain as I am still able to scribble.
Being able to hold my own fork and spoon is also a relished ability (although my chopstick work leaves much to be desired), and seeing some other folks who are unable to even feed themselves, I am grateful I can.
I remember "tests" in the hospital, where groups of us would sit around to test our eating abilities - aka the level of foods were are able to swallow and chew, like porridge and oats (which everybody can) to chewing on meats and vegetables, and being able to swallow them. I remember aching to have solid foods, but struggled to hold a spoon, much less a fork lol
But yes, not long after i gobbled down hospital food like manna, and no they do not "suck" as most folks think - they just are not as "yummy" as you expect normal food you are used to be. what? You need to fill yourself with energy so you can exercise it off, don't you? LOL
These days, I wander around my own house freely and without a walking cane as when I am at my rehab center as well - more probably because I feel "safe" within the boundaries of the space, and able to maneuver around any known bumps or barriers, as opposed to the whole wide world outside now - which I move around with a walking cane - not for walking, but for balancing myself, and helping me conquer said hums and steps.
"Going out for a drink, or chat with friends", or heading off for a movie, is something I miss dearly in my life - and is something that I still strive to achieve, given time. Folks these days ask to meet me out for a drink or sum-such activities like i'm all fine and dandy - which i cannot blame them for, as they either do not know my condition enough, or simply do not deem important to find out if i am able to int he first place. Both irks me and leaves me disappointed, but hey, who is to know if i do not say anything?
Ironically with my pre-Stroke days being a literal hermit (for 5 years, i kept to myself in real-life versus online, and remained single for that long a time as well, until now lol), these days i am actually more active in leaving the house, moreso than ever before (even if tis only for rehab and acupuncture hahaha).
This coming late-ish August, I will have a massive task ahead of me: Walking around Suntec City for the Singapore Toy, Games and ComicCon. Last year, I had my sister wheeling me around in my rental wheelchair - this year? I'm walking in with my walking cane, laptop-bag slung around me and struggling with one hand on a cane, and the other on my digital camera (and possibly handling my mobile phone - urgh) - although I have to seriously consider I need a chaperone with me … currently I am still stubborn enough to do it tho haha …
This morning, i sat down on the floor to get at something, and then later struggled to get up by myself without holding unto anything - believe you me, that was a massive act that I do not look forward to doing again - but in actuality, it just serves to remind me there is a HUGE way more to go, before I dare claim my own "independence" - something which I took for granted, before it all.
There had been a plan to visit jolly old England in late-September-early-October, where my sis is going to visit her mates and attend a wedding, and I would go along and perhaps seek out friends in UK who would be willing to meet or even host me (and I would be celebrating my birthday there too - yay!) but the reality is, I can hardly even carry the weight of myself, much less my own luggage, so how the heck dare i claim i can move around as i think I can?
this notion saddens me more than i'll ever be able to express tho.
I am trying to regain my "rhythm", and that also includes being able to step on an escalator without the fear of falling! So i guess recovery is indeed a literal step at a time, for both physically, and mentally - beyond just my own abilities, as well as for all recovering Stroke patients. And sometimes, "patience" might not be enough, but for an understanding, or even an assured holding of one's ahdns as he/she crosses a seemingly negligible hurdle, which might be a massive hurdle to his/her own life, and surviving it.
2.8.11
Support
i remember my doctors and therapists said to me while i was being wheeled out of the hospital circa Christmas Eve in 2010: "Be thankful you have great family and have friends' support" (or a derivation thereof - i was happy just to get out of there lol)
And that is something that holds true, in my life right now.
Since getting out of hospital-stay, i have moved from out of the need for a wheelchair, to a 4-legged walking-crutch (which has become a makeshift clothes-hanger muahahaha), to now waddling like a drunk-man around with a walking stick (that one moment during Father's Day, when i walked out of the house forgetting to get my cane, was a sign of great things to happen lol), is an improvement i cannot and will not deny. i am just elfin happy i can 'walk', ya know?! LOL
As much effort as I put in to my self-recovery, I am also grateful and accept the power of "support" from my family, and folks who "care" about me. "Support" could range from simple silent embrace, to inactivity, or simply offering kind missives. These are powerful tools to aid in the spirit of the recovery ("Religion" notwithstanding) and of providing the mindset of the recoveree in question. Folks might not be verbal enough to say it out loud, but trust me - it DOES have an effect, and even sometimes, an 'impact'.
I will not venture into delving into the mindsets and family-histories of the folks i share my rehabilitation sessions with - but sometimes (very rarely tho) i might overhear a healthy-family member deriding the patient his/her lack of recovering and effort taken in recovery … like THAT would encourage the person from laboring forth? Does the power of "Guilt" outweigh the possibility of "Hope"? Again, that is "their" life unknown to my comprehension - but you know where I'm getting at.
People tend to forget that folks who survived Stroke, were not looking to be downed by Stroke in the first place - as are any other ailment or physical-health issues (but then again, I never had been the "healthy-one" in the first instance ~ hee ;p), but be sure a heck of folks might have been put into the rollercoaster-ride of GUILT, isn't it?
Frankly, I had never been what you call an "optimist". I used to relish dwelling in the negatives, and from my previous work, I had nadvertently learnt to look at the things in the negative - with problems to be solved first - then see the sunny rainbow at the end of the dark clouds. (One of the reasons why I left, i surmise). But post-Stroke? I have learnt to embrace the notion of positivity, for that is one of the most important "attributes" i have against conquering my own limited disabilities.
i am not strong because i am. i am strong because i have to be.
my family support provides me with the strength to carry on fighting. my dreams provide me with a future to fight for. and my friends' support provide me with the ammunition needed to continue on the day-to-day survival against my own mental-battles, and my own lack of physical abilities.
sitting in a chair for the whole day typing into a laptop does not constitute who i am, but unfortunately is the only aspect of my current abilities i have more control over. so frankly, i hope you can understand my main priority right now is making my life better by recovering.
my own aged father - who himself survived a heart by-pass 5 years ago - is now taking care (mostly) of my day-to-day physical affairs, and chaperones me to rehab and acupuncture sessions - offers me both the physical and mental support, as does the rest of the family - and are a strength beyond any mere explanation i can afford - to aid in my recovery.
Most folks do not ask for help. More folks than you know do not ask for support. And what you do, or not - affects the person around you. I am not (and never will be) asking you to sprout rainbow-flowers and shower the earth with blessings and happiness - i am asking you to perhaps consider first what your actions and words do to others (regardless of whatever consequences it may ensue afters - for that is out of you control in the first place) before you take a step forward.
And all i can do personally, is to cherish and support folks in turn who have been, and are kind to me and have continued to support me, wherever they may be (online or physical), and learn to turn away from the ones who do not give a shit, because you sure as hell ain't doing much to aid my recovery! LOL
And that is something that holds true, in my life right now.
Since getting out of hospital-stay, i have moved from out of the need for a wheelchair, to a 4-legged walking-crutch (which has become a makeshift clothes-hanger muahahaha), to now waddling like a drunk-man around with a walking stick (that one moment during Father's Day, when i walked out of the house forgetting to get my cane, was a sign of great things to happen lol), is an improvement i cannot and will not deny. i am just elfin happy i can 'walk', ya know?! LOL
As much effort as I put in to my self-recovery, I am also grateful and accept the power of "support" from my family, and folks who "care" about me. "Support" could range from simple silent embrace, to inactivity, or simply offering kind missives. These are powerful tools to aid in the spirit of the recovery ("Religion" notwithstanding) and of providing the mindset of the recoveree in question. Folks might not be verbal enough to say it out loud, but trust me - it DOES have an effect, and even sometimes, an 'impact'.
I will not venture into delving into the mindsets and family-histories of the folks i share my rehabilitation sessions with - but sometimes (very rarely tho) i might overhear a healthy-family member deriding the patient his/her lack of recovering and effort taken in recovery … like THAT would encourage the person from laboring forth? Does the power of "Guilt" outweigh the possibility of "Hope"? Again, that is "their" life unknown to my comprehension - but you know where I'm getting at.
People tend to forget that folks who survived Stroke, were not looking to be downed by Stroke in the first place - as are any other ailment or physical-health issues (but then again, I never had been the "healthy-one" in the first instance ~ hee ;p), but be sure a heck of folks might have been put into the rollercoaster-ride of GUILT, isn't it?
Frankly, I had never been what you call an "optimist". I used to relish dwelling in the negatives, and from my previous work, I had nadvertently learnt to look at the things in the negative - with problems to be solved first - then see the sunny rainbow at the end of the dark clouds. (One of the reasons why I left, i surmise). But post-Stroke? I have learnt to embrace the notion of positivity, for that is one of the most important "attributes" i have against conquering my own limited disabilities.
i am not strong because i am. i am strong because i have to be.
my family support provides me with the strength to carry on fighting. my dreams provide me with a future to fight for. and my friends' support provide me with the ammunition needed to continue on the day-to-day survival against my own mental-battles, and my own lack of physical abilities.
sitting in a chair for the whole day typing into a laptop does not constitute who i am, but unfortunately is the only aspect of my current abilities i have more control over. so frankly, i hope you can understand my main priority right now is making my life better by recovering.
my own aged father - who himself survived a heart by-pass 5 years ago - is now taking care (mostly) of my day-to-day physical affairs, and chaperones me to rehab and acupuncture sessions - offers me both the physical and mental support, as does the rest of the family - and are a strength beyond any mere explanation i can afford - to aid in my recovery.
Most folks do not ask for help. More folks than you know do not ask for support. And what you do, or not - affects the person around you. I am not (and never will be) asking you to sprout rainbow-flowers and shower the earth with blessings and happiness - i am asking you to perhaps consider first what your actions and words do to others (regardless of whatever consequences it may ensue afters - for that is out of you control in the first place) before you take a step forward.
And all i can do personally, is to cherish and support folks in turn who have been, and are kind to me and have continued to support me, wherever they may be (online or physical), and learn to turn away from the ones who do not give a shit, because you sure as hell ain't doing much to aid my recovery! LOL
BP Issues
I have not been attending my rehabilitation sessions for over three weeks now. The reason is deceptively simple: My BP / Blood Pressure levels are now too high.
This has not always been the case.
And while folks do not dare claim it is beyond safety levels (or I'd seriously be in trouble), it is affecting how my recovery journey is to be now.
My BP levels are checked each time before I commence my rehab sessions at the center (twice a week, all in the mornings) and if a certain tolerance level is maintained, I can continue forth to sweat myself out in the vain hopes to recover from my Stroke-effects.
But recently, my BP levels are above the tolerant levels, and I find myself sitting and waiting, hopefully mt BP will go down, so i can join the rest of the other old folks in exercise. i joke with some of them that they were more "healthy" than me to be able to exercise even! It was funny for all of a coupla times, then afters, it was not so funny anymore. In fact, I have no doubt the waiting game affected my BP levels as well.
There was a short period of time when my BP levels were optimum only in the afternoons, while mornings and nights saw it on the higher side. And so I attempted to switch my rehab sessions to the afternoons, ya know? But the next thing I knew, the BP levels became an issue in the afternoons as well - so that plan is now bust!
I am not a patient man. I do not think I've ever been. Although having Stroke initially had shown me the value of patience - but thru time, i have regained my impatience for situations and folks. Waiting impatiently for a email reply for two days perhaps is tolerable (especially when folks choose to tweet and FB) but waiting for a month for an interview to be replied to, does not send my blood-pressure-levels into bliss, you know? Or maybe I should stop blogging altogether and recover first? Hell, i KNOW i will be too impatient for that! LOL
As of this morning (I check everyday, three times a day) - the levels hit the roof - which frankly scares me to effin-bits, as this condition has had, for the past few weeks.
No one is able to provide a tangible answer for recovery. Oh sure there have been a number of "whys" - like weight-gain (i stopped smoking and drinking coffee, and in lieu munched) or even lack of sleep (*cough-TTF+SDCC-cough*) - which frankly I wholeheartedly accept the reasons for (in lieu of the lack of other tangible medical factors) and because frankly, I do not want to self-medicate and leave my future in the hands of "professionals".
Sure there was a slight up in dosage of my western pills, but it sure ain't working! And if "weight-gain" is one of the main reasons, therein lies the painful rub.
I cannot go to rehab and hope to loose weight if i am not allowed to exercise past the BP levels. I dare not even use the spanking new exercise-bike/machine we have at home now, due to this reason. I am not a "hero" out to prove everyone "wrong" in their assumptions, because simply put, the rules are there for a reason in the first place.
I have reached a point now in recovery, that i no longer worry if i can ever walk free again (i feel i have already hit a plateau that i can no longer cross the hurdle of recovery for - but that' another mindfrak for another post), i am just plain scared i'll get downed by Stroke again.
Yes folks, not to alarm you all, but once you get Stroke, there is a likelihood you'll get downed by it again - although timewise, there is never a particular reference-point (or so i'm told). And what are one of the deadly causes for Stroke again? High Blood Pressure.
So besides fearing for my life - which shouldn't really be the case, as no one else medically seem to be fearful off (*crosses-fingers*) - tis more an innate frustration I have with the situation now - as NO ONE is able to afford a resolution!
And imagine the frustration I have now, is to be able to only blog about it.
Where Western medicine has failed me now, I will have no choice but to turn to Eastern suggestions. Simply put, I need to get my BP down, so I am able to exercise (and personally feel safe about it) and convince myself somehow I am on the path to recovery, because right about now, I am sitting at home and facing the BP-monitor and hoping for a better BP is like waiting for gloss ingots to fall into my lap from the sky.
Funnily enough (okay fine, NOT so funny) in writing this post, my BP has no doubt risen a few knotches - because I write with my heart, not with my brain - and stirring these issues up - is perhaps not as helpful to my condition as I had expected it to be LOL
This has not always been the case.
And while folks do not dare claim it is beyond safety levels (or I'd seriously be in trouble), it is affecting how my recovery journey is to be now.
My BP levels are checked each time before I commence my rehab sessions at the center (twice a week, all in the mornings) and if a certain tolerance level is maintained, I can continue forth to sweat myself out in the vain hopes to recover from my Stroke-effects.
But recently, my BP levels are above the tolerant levels, and I find myself sitting and waiting, hopefully mt BP will go down, so i can join the rest of the other old folks in exercise. i joke with some of them that they were more "healthy" than me to be able to exercise even! It was funny for all of a coupla times, then afters, it was not so funny anymore. In fact, I have no doubt the waiting game affected my BP levels as well.
There was a short period of time when my BP levels were optimum only in the afternoons, while mornings and nights saw it on the higher side. And so I attempted to switch my rehab sessions to the afternoons, ya know? But the next thing I knew, the BP levels became an issue in the afternoons as well - so that plan is now bust!
I am not a patient man. I do not think I've ever been. Although having Stroke initially had shown me the value of patience - but thru time, i have regained my impatience for situations and folks. Waiting impatiently for a email reply for two days perhaps is tolerable (especially when folks choose to tweet and FB) but waiting for a month for an interview to be replied to, does not send my blood-pressure-levels into bliss, you know? Or maybe I should stop blogging altogether and recover first? Hell, i KNOW i will be too impatient for that! LOL
As of this morning (I check everyday, three times a day) - the levels hit the roof - which frankly scares me to effin-bits, as this condition has had, for the past few weeks.
No one is able to provide a tangible answer for recovery. Oh sure there have been a number of "whys" - like weight-gain (i stopped smoking and drinking coffee, and in lieu munched) or even lack of sleep (*cough-TTF+SDCC-cough*) - which frankly I wholeheartedly accept the reasons for (in lieu of the lack of other tangible medical factors) and because frankly, I do not want to self-medicate and leave my future in the hands of "professionals".
Sure there was a slight up in dosage of my western pills, but it sure ain't working! And if "weight-gain" is one of the main reasons, therein lies the painful rub.
I cannot go to rehab and hope to loose weight if i am not allowed to exercise past the BP levels. I dare not even use the spanking new exercise-bike/machine we have at home now, due to this reason. I am not a "hero" out to prove everyone "wrong" in their assumptions, because simply put, the rules are there for a reason in the first place.
I have reached a point now in recovery, that i no longer worry if i can ever walk free again (i feel i have already hit a plateau that i can no longer cross the hurdle of recovery for - but that' another mindfrak for another post), i am just plain scared i'll get downed by Stroke again.
Yes folks, not to alarm you all, but once you get Stroke, there is a likelihood you'll get downed by it again - although timewise, there is never a particular reference-point (or so i'm told). And what are one of the deadly causes for Stroke again? High Blood Pressure.
So besides fearing for my life - which shouldn't really be the case, as no one else medically seem to be fearful off (*crosses-fingers*) - tis more an innate frustration I have with the situation now - as NO ONE is able to afford a resolution!
And imagine the frustration I have now, is to be able to only blog about it.
Where Western medicine has failed me now, I will have no choice but to turn to Eastern suggestions. Simply put, I need to get my BP down, so I am able to exercise (and personally feel safe about it) and convince myself somehow I am on the path to recovery, because right about now, I am sitting at home and facing the BP-monitor and hoping for a better BP is like waiting for gloss ingots to fall into my lap from the sky.
Funnily enough (okay fine, NOT so funny) in writing this post, my BP has no doubt risen a few knotches - because I write with my heart, not with my brain - and stirring these issues up - is perhaps not as helpful to my condition as I had expected it to be LOL
Mental Health
In a confluence of situations prior, i had found myself sitting in the patient's chair in the office of a clinical "mental-health" expert (whose official name for, has escaped me - for that I apologize) in the hospital, for which I was referred to (no doubt simply because I blew my top at an attending doctor who did not seem to be able to offer any reasons for my malady - another post about that soon).
And then I had subsequently spent an hour and a half (yes, time was indeed measured at my end, as was the doctor's wrist-watch she was constantly referring to, which i conveniently ignored) yakking on about my life, my Stroke, my life after having Stroke, my blog, and what contests I was planning to hold on my blog (in that order). And while i dare say i had (nearly) a clean-bill of mental-health (no, there is no actual paperwork available to me to claim such ;p), one thing was mentioned (when she had a chance to have a word in edgewise) was that perhaps I should update my Stroke-blog (which you are reading now).
I had mentioned I had started a blog for Stroke, and was pretty diligent in updating it with info about both my own recovery, which in turn was to more importantly "educate" folks about the effects and recovery of Stroke (moreso than regaling about my own health, I insist!). But this blog has been left un-updated as of late, simply because I had developed into a stage of recovery, that this blog begun to remind me more about my Stroke - and the nasty effects that had gone along with the memory of - with it.
Recovery thus far has been … "spotty", with a number of speed-bumps along the way (more on that in another post, promise!) and perhaps I had let my own personal feelings affect this blog - which as of right now, with this very post - I have learnt to reconcile with, simply because this blog is mine to maintain, as much as this life i have now, is mine to lead.
I had actually asked a couple of folks to add to this blog, about their own journey of both recovery and taking car of folks - but you know what? I should just do this on my own, as there will be less expectations disappointed, and perhaps a more focused journey of a single person would be more effective in this regard.
Hell, I'm not a medical practitioner, and frankly the last thing i need to be doing is "self-medicate" - and leave my health to the experts that know better … ah but when the experts cannot help? … now, THAT'S another post coming u sometime soon …
MENTAL HEALTH
And while might be clear of my objectives and aims, not necessarily all folks downed by physical illness might feel the same. I can imagine folks feeling depressed, and even suicidal - because let's face it - being in Stroke is not like an illness you can just take medicine and "get better".
The physical recovery is "hardest". Some folks grapple with lack of speech abilities, and even worse still physical disabilities. I remember when my legs could not put themselves one in front of each other, when my mind remember they can. I remember peeing into a container (while in hospital bed) because I had not the ability to walk myself to the toilet - barely 6 metros away from my hospital bed. Hell, I remember looking at my own crotch and seeing the pee-patch grown larger while being unable to control my bowels! If that does not fuckup your thoughts, hey, do not know what will. I am thankful now I can take my own showers, walk about (with a walking cane) and can make my own way to the toilet at home (even tho the newly discovered diabetes makes me getup at 6am in the mornings to go take a leek).
Physical recovery for any Stroke patient, takes a certain amount of time.No Stroke recovery might be timed exactly like the other, as no particular Stroke by individuals might be exactly similar to the others. There are a myriad forms of Stroke-effects to be had, even of the symptoms might be similar.
I know of someone who has been in rehab for a span of over a year. I myself had been in rehab for nearly 5 months now (when I was self-confident enough to think 3 would do it - well, here's egg in my face!) and frankly, I have learnt it is a "marathon", not a "sprint". And the only other reason why we need to give a timeline to it, is (A) the cost of rehab, and (B) the ability of the family to go along with it.
But what is most important in this equation, is the mental ability of the recovering patient, to continue with this timeline - and NOT feel useless, being a burden, feeling helpless.
A lot of Stroke patients are elderly folks. And with a lack of a strong family structure and support, do you really think they have the mental fortitude to continue working forth, and not feel being "a burden, useless and helpless"? Especially for Asian families, and I am not being racist here - just pure simple observations.
But in actual fact, I have begun to see even younger folks being downed by Stroke. There a guy aged 34, and another aged 31 in my (former) rehab sessions. One os married (bumped into him and his wife at an exhibition in town not too long ago too lol) and the other has a one year old daughter. So "age" is no longer exclusive to Stroke. As is the mental stress of it, without a doubt.
"Mental Recovery" is a conundrum, for without the basis of fortitude and tenacity, or even a will to survive and thrive for the future, hell, the road will indeed be long an arduous! And sometimes. that "mental recovery" is not alone for the patients to bare - sometimes folks around them provide them that strength, to carry on with the recovery, with being "whole" again.
And while I am in no medical position to infer what IS good mental health, I reckon it is the ability to survive the long-haul, the strength of not giving up and giving in, and the sheer tenacity to go forth and rehabilitate. No one else will make you miraculousy "better" (Religious folks will not agree with me here ;p) besides you working on to rehabilitate yourselves. Just know that that journey is not you and yours alone to tread - for you need folks around you to support you, and perhaps aid in any way for you to carry on your task.
And then I had subsequently spent an hour and a half (yes, time was indeed measured at my end, as was the doctor's wrist-watch she was constantly referring to, which i conveniently ignored) yakking on about my life, my Stroke, my life after having Stroke, my blog, and what contests I was planning to hold on my blog (in that order). And while i dare say i had (nearly) a clean-bill of mental-health (no, there is no actual paperwork available to me to claim such ;p), one thing was mentioned (when she had a chance to have a word in edgewise) was that perhaps I should update my Stroke-blog (which you are reading now).
I had mentioned I had started a blog for Stroke, and was pretty diligent in updating it with info about both my own recovery, which in turn was to more importantly "educate" folks about the effects and recovery of Stroke (moreso than regaling about my own health, I insist!). But this blog has been left un-updated as of late, simply because I had developed into a stage of recovery, that this blog begun to remind me more about my Stroke - and the nasty effects that had gone along with the memory of - with it.
Recovery thus far has been … "spotty", with a number of speed-bumps along the way (more on that in another post, promise!) and perhaps I had let my own personal feelings affect this blog - which as of right now, with this very post - I have learnt to reconcile with, simply because this blog is mine to maintain, as much as this life i have now, is mine to lead.
I had actually asked a couple of folks to add to this blog, about their own journey of both recovery and taking car of folks - but you know what? I should just do this on my own, as there will be less expectations disappointed, and perhaps a more focused journey of a single person would be more effective in this regard.
Hell, I'm not a medical practitioner, and frankly the last thing i need to be doing is "self-medicate" - and leave my health to the experts that know better … ah but when the experts cannot help? … now, THAT'S another post coming u sometime soon …
MENTAL HEALTH
And while might be clear of my objectives and aims, not necessarily all folks downed by physical illness might feel the same. I can imagine folks feeling depressed, and even suicidal - because let's face it - being in Stroke is not like an illness you can just take medicine and "get better".
The physical recovery is "hardest". Some folks grapple with lack of speech abilities, and even worse still physical disabilities. I remember when my legs could not put themselves one in front of each other, when my mind remember they can. I remember peeing into a container (while in hospital bed) because I had not the ability to walk myself to the toilet - barely 6 metros away from my hospital bed. Hell, I remember looking at my own crotch and seeing the pee-patch grown larger while being unable to control my bowels! If that does not fuckup your thoughts, hey, do not know what will. I am thankful now I can take my own showers, walk about (with a walking cane) and can make my own way to the toilet at home (even tho the newly discovered diabetes makes me getup at 6am in the mornings to go take a leek).
Physical recovery for any Stroke patient, takes a certain amount of time.No Stroke recovery might be timed exactly like the other, as no particular Stroke by individuals might be exactly similar to the others. There are a myriad forms of Stroke-effects to be had, even of the symptoms might be similar.
I know of someone who has been in rehab for a span of over a year. I myself had been in rehab for nearly 5 months now (when I was self-confident enough to think 3 would do it - well, here's egg in my face!) and frankly, I have learnt it is a "marathon", not a "sprint". And the only other reason why we need to give a timeline to it, is (A) the cost of rehab, and (B) the ability of the family to go along with it.
But what is most important in this equation, is the mental ability of the recovering patient, to continue with this timeline - and NOT feel useless, being a burden, feeling helpless.
A lot of Stroke patients are elderly folks. And with a lack of a strong family structure and support, do you really think they have the mental fortitude to continue working forth, and not feel being "a burden, useless and helpless"? Especially for Asian families, and I am not being racist here - just pure simple observations.
But in actual fact, I have begun to see even younger folks being downed by Stroke. There a guy aged 34, and another aged 31 in my (former) rehab sessions. One os married (bumped into him and his wife at an exhibition in town not too long ago too lol) and the other has a one year old daughter. So "age" is no longer exclusive to Stroke. As is the mental stress of it, without a doubt.
"Mental Recovery" is a conundrum, for without the basis of fortitude and tenacity, or even a will to survive and thrive for the future, hell, the road will indeed be long an arduous! And sometimes. that "mental recovery" is not alone for the patients to bare - sometimes folks around them provide them that strength, to carry on with the recovery, with being "whole" again.
And while I am in no medical position to infer what IS good mental health, I reckon it is the ability to survive the long-haul, the strength of not giving up and giving in, and the sheer tenacity to go forth and rehabilitate. No one else will make you miraculousy "better" (Religious folks will not agree with me here ;p) besides you working on to rehabilitate yourselves. Just know that that journey is not you and yours alone to tread - for you need folks around you to support you, and perhaps aid in any way for you to carry on your task.
9.6.11
The Luxury Of Taking A Shower
Someone reply to my tweet about taking a shower today, mentioning: "Psshhhhh Shower? Don't you lead a luxurious life!" = And I couldn't agree with that statement more!
The thing about Stroke it, most times it affects the victim's mobility and ability to physically be able to do the thing he/she had done before Stroke, and one of them more likely is taking a simple bath.
Because my ability to maintain balance and limited physical ability post-Stroke was severely affected initially, I had spent my first two months in hospital, showering while sitting down. And nearly the first month of that, unable to even shower myself - as I could hardly reach or stretch to reach certain parts of my body (my entire right side of the body was affected by Stroke, and still is) hence soaping myself was a chore, much less be able to stand up after a shower, to dry myself with a towel. I struggled and managed to dry my front-of-body, but could not reach my back.
Hell, I was wheelchair bound in the initial weeks, and subsequently struggled with a 4-Legged Walker, how could I expect to stand for a certain amount of time to soap myself and rinse it off afters? LOL
After over 3 decades bathing myself, being unable to do so now, is quite a shock to get over, let me tell you straight out. But instead of feeling crippled and invalid, I struggled hard in my rehabilitation, and managed to be able to shower by myself (without any help) near the end of my first month in the hospital.
Imagine folks whose physical disability is further/deeper set in, and to be not being able to even shower themselves, or even take a shit or dump (that's another post for another time, I'd rather not rack up old stories of me peeing in my pants uncontrollably as I watched the stain get bigger…). The humility of needing help to do the most mundane of tasks everyone takes for granted, is most times greeted with silence, from both the care-taker, and the person being showered or bathed. Most times folks associate that with old decrepit folks unable to care for themselves. That notion needs to be re-assessed, methinks.
And no, I did not enjoy my sponge-baths in the early days of my Stroke. "Embarrassing" is a mild description but for the sheer fear of being unable to take care of yourselves. And as mentioned, most times maintain a certain silence to this situation. Especially us Asian folks, who tend to clam up especially from older-folks who do not want to feel even more burdened to their family or care-takers, and you know what happens when folks clam up? Other folks think everything is "okay", everything is "fine" and not needing to further investigate or further placate any misgivings. This notion needs to be re-assessed, period. . And as well to be addressed, but do bear in mind the sensitivities involved in such a situation. Being more caring by far outweighs "tough-love", IMHO.
The second month saw me transferred out of the acute-ward in Changi and into the recovery ward at St Andrews. By then, I had still relied on a wheelchair to scoot around, BUT I was able to shower myself! Funnily enough, I showered sitting down thru my one-month+ stay in SACH (as was the rule there) and was even strapped some of the time - as in strapped with a canvas strap ala a saftey-belt (but a looser-one, as was the rule there).
When I wheelchaired my way home for Christmas at the end of 2010, it took me a few months before I gained the courage and strength to literally STAND in the bathroom, to take a shower! But of course the horizontal bars newly erected in the bathroom helped me conquer the fear, and I gripped it for dear life! LOL
These days, I am thankful I can rinse myself off the sweat and grime of my twice-weekly rehabilitation, and after every perspiration-filled days, as the humidity in Singapore can be pretty merciless. And funnily enough, I shower still in cold water at home, and even gagging for it, while the hot showers in my hospital stay made me feel even more "needy" LOL
Oh but for the luxuries of being able to shower myself, and for that, I am grateful :)
Cheers
Andy
The thing about Stroke it, most times it affects the victim's mobility and ability to physically be able to do the thing he/she had done before Stroke, and one of them more likely is taking a simple bath.
Because my ability to maintain balance and limited physical ability post-Stroke was severely affected initially, I had spent my first two months in hospital, showering while sitting down. And nearly the first month of that, unable to even shower myself - as I could hardly reach or stretch to reach certain parts of my body (my entire right side of the body was affected by Stroke, and still is) hence soaping myself was a chore, much less be able to stand up after a shower, to dry myself with a towel. I struggled and managed to dry my front-of-body, but could not reach my back.
Hell, I was wheelchair bound in the initial weeks, and subsequently struggled with a 4-Legged Walker, how could I expect to stand for a certain amount of time to soap myself and rinse it off afters? LOL
After over 3 decades bathing myself, being unable to do so now, is quite a shock to get over, let me tell you straight out. But instead of feeling crippled and invalid, I struggled hard in my rehabilitation, and managed to be able to shower by myself (without any help) near the end of my first month in the hospital.
Imagine folks whose physical disability is further/deeper set in, and to be not being able to even shower themselves, or even take a shit or dump (that's another post for another time, I'd rather not rack up old stories of me peeing in my pants uncontrollably as I watched the stain get bigger…). The humility of needing help to do the most mundane of tasks everyone takes for granted, is most times greeted with silence, from both the care-taker, and the person being showered or bathed. Most times folks associate that with old decrepit folks unable to care for themselves. That notion needs to be re-assessed, methinks.
And no, I did not enjoy my sponge-baths in the early days of my Stroke. "Embarrassing" is a mild description but for the sheer fear of being unable to take care of yourselves. And as mentioned, most times maintain a certain silence to this situation. Especially us Asian folks, who tend to clam up especially from older-folks who do not want to feel even more burdened to their family or care-takers, and you know what happens when folks clam up? Other folks think everything is "okay", everything is "fine" and not needing to further investigate or further placate any misgivings. This notion needs to be re-assessed, period. . And as well to be addressed, but do bear in mind the sensitivities involved in such a situation. Being more caring by far outweighs "tough-love", IMHO.
The second month saw me transferred out of the acute-ward in Changi and into the recovery ward at St Andrews. By then, I had still relied on a wheelchair to scoot around, BUT I was able to shower myself! Funnily enough, I showered sitting down thru my one-month+ stay in SACH (as was the rule there) and was even strapped some of the time - as in strapped with a canvas strap ala a saftey-belt (but a looser-one, as was the rule there).
When I wheelchaired my way home for Christmas at the end of 2010, it took me a few months before I gained the courage and strength to literally STAND in the bathroom, to take a shower! But of course the horizontal bars newly erected in the bathroom helped me conquer the fear, and I gripped it for dear life! LOL
These days, I am thankful I can rinse myself off the sweat and grime of my twice-weekly rehabilitation, and after every perspiration-filled days, as the humidity in Singapore can be pretty merciless. And funnily enough, I shower still in cold water at home, and even gagging for it, while the hot showers in my hospital stay made me feel even more "needy" LOL
Oh but for the luxuries of being able to shower myself, and for that, I am grateful :)
Cheers
Andy
7.5.11
Asking The Right Questions
The question of "asking a question" came to fore today, with my visit to the neuro-specialist at Changi Hospital, for which I had frankly no clue why I had to do so again, But that is moot, as I felt this is one of those fruitful consultations that are very few and far in between.
(FYI: Post-Stroke, I have irregular clinical visits, to a variety of medical needs, in addition to my weekly rehabs and acupunture. Mostly subsidized by the government and medisave etc - but all need consultation fees to be paid).
I am very candid with my condition, in fact very candid and am very open to express - within my own limited vocabulary and knowledge of what is happening to me specifically - with doctors. Not everyone is open to listening, as much as folks might say "we do not know how you are feeling if you do not tell us in the first place". Some literally are, and I leave my health and well-being in their hands. Some do not give two hoots what I say (or I feel so anyways), until I have to raise my voice for myself to be heard. I understand it might not mean they do not care, just that they do not care to listen, beyond what they think is right or wrong. This infuriates me to no end.
I do not like to raise my voice. I do not feel I have to raise my voice at all. I am recovering from a sickness I am in mortal fear of, and am not asking for freebies in a departmental store sale. As much as I used to give them reasons for their attitude (like treating too many patients a day blahblahblah), it still does not make me feel any better. And as much as I do not demand "service" per se ("sorry but the salmon is burnt" lol), I can only hope for some semblance of apathy, particularly in a medical locale. But hey, I know I am being naive, and everyone has their own days to handle blahblahblah but I do not give two hoots now. I am not the caretaker of your day, but unfortunately my health and future state of wellness, is in YOUR hands.
Does anyone know how utterly helpless that feels?
Knowing what "questions" to ask of your caretaker, is only limited to what questions you know to ask about your condition. Most folks ask about how to get "the cure", while caretakers explain to you "how you got it" in the first place. For sure, steps to wellness and recovery are explained for the patient - but what if the patient does not know how to articulate his/her own condition?
Are YOU willing to listen, and make an informed decision? And gauge against YOUR vast experience in the sickness? Or are you tired of listening to the same old same old?
Do YOU know how to describe the condition you are in? The feeling you feel when you are doing certain things? And I DO NOT mean medical terms or fancy-medicology, but simple events that affects your body, and how you react to the world?
Know that amongst all the questions asked, inevitably there will ALWAYS been a comparison between "before" or "after". And sometimes is is as clear as day-n-night, and sometimes it is something that never was noticed "before".
I personally have taken my "pre-Stroke" life for granted. And a lot of comparisons fail to have answers, simply because I have zero recollection of them. Some people might not like to hear that. But at the risk of being berated for that, do not IN ANY CASE, LIE about anything, just to get the "uncomfortable" situation over and done with. Try to describe as close as possible as you feel ails you. Be grateful if someone around or the doctor offers his/her take.
Your assessment of your condition, is also determined by the condition you are feeling then, that is being described to the doctor personally.
I have a medical file (as everyone warded has/have), and my "entire" medical life since being warded for Stroke in October 2010 - is in that file (two files actually, Volumes 1 & 2 - found out today ;p). And whomever you are consulting in, that is NOT your "regular" doctor, refers to the file, and have to trust in the doctors before them, who updates your condition, in the exact same files. Hell, even if she/he IS your "regular" doctor, they do not necessarily have your medical-history at the tips of their fingers, as they see a myriad of people, within the one or two months span in which they see you personally!
So whatever condition you feel, do describe it to whomever consults with you, so as your condition may be tracked, and diagnosed, so that medication or new treatments can be prescribed. There's nothing to be "shy" about, YOU are the person that is "sick" anyways!
Today's visit to the neurologist turned out to be a well surprise, if not slightly "shocking". I found out today, what I had experienced in October, might actually be my "second Stroke". 6 months after my experience, and NOW I found this out? And how did I know about it? It was written - nay - typed in my medical file, of the initial assessment of my condition.
First of all, let me explain something - one of my primary fears now, is not just the recovery of my body and eye-sight, but also to stem the occurrence of a second Stroke. Folks who have experienced the "first", will more likely to be susceptible to being in Stroke for the second time, whenever. So post-Stroke, all anyone can ever do, is to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and have high-blood pressure and diabetes etc, in check.
There is NO CURE for Stroke. There is no pill to take to make it all go away. The pills and medication is to keep it at bay, and to sustain a life without falling victim to the earlier maladies (like highblood, diabetes etc). They are there to sustain your life, not "cure" it from Stroke.
So when the doctor showed me the file (well cool of her to anyways - lol) and what had been diagnosed much earlier, pretty much freaked me out there and then. But that was quickly put into perspective and ease, by the same doctor.
The "first Stroke" I might have experienced before (in a undetermined time), might have been an overt one, and unrecognizable by myself - and I carried on with my life, without ever knowing it had ever happened! *gasp*
(Seems to be a very common occurrence, particularly in Chinese folks - an accumulation of mini-Strokes leading to the "big" one, while conversely on a Caucasian person, just goes straight into a "big" one).
Thinking back, I had related to my family that there were times my hand (right-hand) would suddenly "freeze-up", with my fingers unable to move, for about 2-seconds or slightly more (at different times) before I could shake it off. But because nothing much continued happening afters, I never gave it much thought.
There was even once, in the Army (Reservist) nearly a decade ago, when being consulted for an annual body-checkout, I had related I once (but only once) smelt "sulphur" at home (when there wasn't any around) - to which one medical assistant memorably said to me point-blank: "You have Stroke."
I thought he was being an insensitive idiot then.
The "second Stroke" I had experienced, was the one I was hospitalized for. That was an "Acute Stroke" - though a "mild" one at that (I am no longer as angry about that association, as I am grateful to be able to shower myself, yo! LOL).
But no, there is not a tangible explanation for whatever happened then, and none being offered now. I just know that I have to take care of myself moreso than I had ever expected.
I look around my weekly rehab space, and I fear for a lot of much older patients. Do they know how to describe what it is they are feeling? Is anyone ever listening to them? I do not take them all as ignorant oldies or mentally challenged,and maybe I am being overly-sensititve - but who really knows? The chinese say "jia-jia you-ben nan-nian de-jing" (every household has a different sutra to be read) and everyone's stories might be different - just hope that folks get to say what they feel like, and there are folks actually listening to them.
My neuro-doctor said today: "We depend on your feedback and description, so we can diagnose you" ~ which is very refreshing to hear (ironically not something I am used to hearing from medical professionals, surprisingly so) - for which my frank answer was; "I only wish there was more I could be able to describe to you, so that you will understand my condition better" (or something to that derivation ;p). There really is no particular "answer" for that really.
Cheers
Andy
(FYI: Post-Stroke, I have irregular clinical visits, to a variety of medical needs, in addition to my weekly rehabs and acupunture. Mostly subsidized by the government and medisave etc - but all need consultation fees to be paid).
I am very candid with my condition, in fact very candid and am very open to express - within my own limited vocabulary and knowledge of what is happening to me specifically - with doctors. Not everyone is open to listening, as much as folks might say "we do not know how you are feeling if you do not tell us in the first place". Some literally are, and I leave my health and well-being in their hands. Some do not give two hoots what I say (or I feel so anyways), until I have to raise my voice for myself to be heard. I understand it might not mean they do not care, just that they do not care to listen, beyond what they think is right or wrong. This infuriates me to no end.
I do not like to raise my voice. I do not feel I have to raise my voice at all. I am recovering from a sickness I am in mortal fear of, and am not asking for freebies in a departmental store sale. As much as I used to give them reasons for their attitude (like treating too many patients a day blahblahblah), it still does not make me feel any better. And as much as I do not demand "service" per se ("sorry but the salmon is burnt" lol), I can only hope for some semblance of apathy, particularly in a medical locale. But hey, I know I am being naive, and everyone has their own days to handle blahblahblah but I do not give two hoots now. I am not the caretaker of your day, but unfortunately my health and future state of wellness, is in YOUR hands.
Does anyone know how utterly helpless that feels?
Knowing what "questions" to ask of your caretaker, is only limited to what questions you know to ask about your condition. Most folks ask about how to get "the cure", while caretakers explain to you "how you got it" in the first place. For sure, steps to wellness and recovery are explained for the patient - but what if the patient does not know how to articulate his/her own condition?
Are YOU willing to listen, and make an informed decision? And gauge against YOUR vast experience in the sickness? Or are you tired of listening to the same old same old?
Do YOU know how to describe the condition you are in? The feeling you feel when you are doing certain things? And I DO NOT mean medical terms or fancy-medicology, but simple events that affects your body, and how you react to the world?
Know that amongst all the questions asked, inevitably there will ALWAYS been a comparison between "before" or "after". And sometimes is is as clear as day-n-night, and sometimes it is something that never was noticed "before".
I personally have taken my "pre-Stroke" life for granted. And a lot of comparisons fail to have answers, simply because I have zero recollection of them. Some people might not like to hear that. But at the risk of being berated for that, do not IN ANY CASE, LIE about anything, just to get the "uncomfortable" situation over and done with. Try to describe as close as possible as you feel ails you. Be grateful if someone around or the doctor offers his/her take.
Your assessment of your condition, is also determined by the condition you are feeling then, that is being described to the doctor personally.
I have a medical file (as everyone warded has/have), and my "entire" medical life since being warded for Stroke in October 2010 - is in that file (two files actually, Volumes 1 & 2 - found out today ;p). And whomever you are consulting in, that is NOT your "regular" doctor, refers to the file, and have to trust in the doctors before them, who updates your condition, in the exact same files. Hell, even if she/he IS your "regular" doctor, they do not necessarily have your medical-history at the tips of their fingers, as they see a myriad of people, within the one or two months span in which they see you personally!
So whatever condition you feel, do describe it to whomever consults with you, so as your condition may be tracked, and diagnosed, so that medication or new treatments can be prescribed. There's nothing to be "shy" about, YOU are the person that is "sick" anyways!
Today's visit to the neurologist turned out to be a well surprise, if not slightly "shocking". I found out today, what I had experienced in October, might actually be my "second Stroke". 6 months after my experience, and NOW I found this out? And how did I know about it? It was written - nay - typed in my medical file, of the initial assessment of my condition.
First of all, let me explain something - one of my primary fears now, is not just the recovery of my body and eye-sight, but also to stem the occurrence of a second Stroke. Folks who have experienced the "first", will more likely to be susceptible to being in Stroke for the second time, whenever. So post-Stroke, all anyone can ever do, is to maintain a healthy lifestyle, and have high-blood pressure and diabetes etc, in check.
There is NO CURE for Stroke. There is no pill to take to make it all go away. The pills and medication is to keep it at bay, and to sustain a life without falling victim to the earlier maladies (like highblood, diabetes etc). They are there to sustain your life, not "cure" it from Stroke.
So when the doctor showed me the file (well cool of her to anyways - lol) and what had been diagnosed much earlier, pretty much freaked me out there and then. But that was quickly put into perspective and ease, by the same doctor.
The "first Stroke" I might have experienced before (in a undetermined time), might have been an overt one, and unrecognizable by myself - and I carried on with my life, without ever knowing it had ever happened! *gasp*
(Seems to be a very common occurrence, particularly in Chinese folks - an accumulation of mini-Strokes leading to the "big" one, while conversely on a Caucasian person, just goes straight into a "big" one).
Thinking back, I had related to my family that there were times my hand (right-hand) would suddenly "freeze-up", with my fingers unable to move, for about 2-seconds or slightly more (at different times) before I could shake it off. But because nothing much continued happening afters, I never gave it much thought.
There was even once, in the Army (Reservist) nearly a decade ago, when being consulted for an annual body-checkout, I had related I once (but only once) smelt "sulphur" at home (when there wasn't any around) - to which one medical assistant memorably said to me point-blank: "You have Stroke."
I thought he was being an insensitive idiot then.
The "second Stroke" I had experienced, was the one I was hospitalized for. That was an "Acute Stroke" - though a "mild" one at that (I am no longer as angry about that association, as I am grateful to be able to shower myself, yo! LOL).
But no, there is not a tangible explanation for whatever happened then, and none being offered now. I just know that I have to take care of myself moreso than I had ever expected.
I look around my weekly rehab space, and I fear for a lot of much older patients. Do they know how to describe what it is they are feeling? Is anyone ever listening to them? I do not take them all as ignorant oldies or mentally challenged,and maybe I am being overly-sensititve - but who really knows? The chinese say "jia-jia you-ben nan-nian de-jing" (every household has a different sutra to be read) and everyone's stories might be different - just hope that folks get to say what they feel like, and there are folks actually listening to them.
My neuro-doctor said today: "We depend on your feedback and description, so we can diagnose you" ~ which is very refreshing to hear (ironically not something I am used to hearing from medical professionals, surprisingly so) - for which my frank answer was; "I only wish there was more I could be able to describe to you, so that you will understand my condition better" (or something to that derivation ;p). There really is no particular "answer" for that really.
Cheers
Andy
Seven Hours Too Long
"Helpless" was what I had felt, "trapped" at the clinic in the hospital at Changi (for which has become my second home) - waiting for my turn to see the doctor, spending nearly 7 hours outside of my house (which included an afternoon session of acupuncture, to be fair) - which was essentially 7hrs too long. Bordering on "desperate", I knew whatever plans I had today for the blog, was a hopeless endeavor. But that turned out partially incorrect, as I still squeezed thru twelve quick posts, before I realized it wasn't about "squeezing", but of a level of comfort I had wanted to continue in my bloggery activities, foir me to be able to go the duration, and not burn myself out, while amidst the effects of being in post-Stroke.
The consultation today was for my eyes. Ironically one of the key problems I now face - versus being able to walk free, post-Stroke - is the ability to see straight. Me getting used to double-vision was a tangible fear, as well the developments with acupuncture (which was treating my eyes specifically) had indeed made my vision better - but I still needed answers. And "answers" were something people have dared not commit to me, for the past 6 months, post-Stroke. And I am not looking for "miracle-cures" here, just tangible explanations for my eye-sight - beyond "It was affected by Stroke".
I could still maintain a semblance of hermit-like existence squirreled away indoors and in-front of a computer, but it does me no favors if I cannot see properly, innit? But the wait was worth it, I can concrete answers (whereas before nobody dared commit otherwise) and as well new proposals. Tomorrow morning (before my rehab session at 10am) - I will know whether or not I will need reading glasses.
Against such quandaries in my life, maintaining the blog seemed mundane in comparison, let's not kid ourselves. But in reality, without the blog, and as well typing all this, I would just be another Stroke-victim, recovering while lying in bed the whole day. And that is not how I want my day to go by.
Funnily enough, my acupuncturist would have major issues with my statement just, as he is pretty surprised at my slow-recovery, as he seemed pretty darn confident in setting my eye-sight right, except for the fact i refuse to listen as much, and continue blogging … I would laugh-out-loud of not for the fact it may well be truer that I recognize it to be …
Cheers
Andy
(FYI: This post was typed on May 4th and was basically a "daily whine" as opposed to a medical recollection :p)
The consultation today was for my eyes. Ironically one of the key problems I now face - versus being able to walk free, post-Stroke - is the ability to see straight. Me getting used to double-vision was a tangible fear, as well the developments with acupuncture (which was treating my eyes specifically) had indeed made my vision better - but I still needed answers. And "answers" were something people have dared not commit to me, for the past 6 months, post-Stroke. And I am not looking for "miracle-cures" here, just tangible explanations for my eye-sight - beyond "It was affected by Stroke".
I could still maintain a semblance of hermit-like existence squirreled away indoors and in-front of a computer, but it does me no favors if I cannot see properly, innit? But the wait was worth it, I can concrete answers (whereas before nobody dared commit otherwise) and as well new proposals. Tomorrow morning (before my rehab session at 10am) - I will know whether or not I will need reading glasses.
Against such quandaries in my life, maintaining the blog seemed mundane in comparison, let's not kid ourselves. But in reality, without the blog, and as well typing all this, I would just be another Stroke-victim, recovering while lying in bed the whole day. And that is not how I want my day to go by.
Funnily enough, my acupuncturist would have major issues with my statement just, as he is pretty surprised at my slow-recovery, as he seemed pretty darn confident in setting my eye-sight right, except for the fact i refuse to listen as much, and continue blogging … I would laugh-out-loud of not for the fact it may well be truer that I recognize it to be …
Cheers
Andy
(FYI: This post was typed on May 4th and was basically a "daily whine" as opposed to a medical recollection :p)
30.3.11
Seeing Double
Imagine you cross your eyeballs, and you see double of everything, while folks around you laugh at the inanity of how "cockfunny" you look with crossed-eyeballs like a buffoon. Now imagine the vision, but without the laughter. That is how my vision was impaired ever since I was struck with Stroke back in October 2010.
Back "then", the separation was actually worse, most times diagonal rather than side-by-side, and further apart. But by covering up either of the two eyeballs, I could actually look pretty much clear and straight, and I have since been wearing an eye-patch, to assist in lessening the irritation.
And irritating it is, if not ultimately worrying. The analysis back in the initial period when I was less scared (and decidedly more worried about my future), was that, even in a wheelchair for life (touch-wood TOUCH-WOOD) I could still conceivable type on a keyboard. But without my vision? I sure had very little options left, innit? I would have been fcuked bad if I had given-up and given-in then.
The visual senses were affected by the lack of blood-flow to the brain, an aspect of Stroke that folks know the effect of, but not necessarily how to treat it.
[Days before the eye-patch of Piratey-goodness]
I remember literal hordes of trainee doctors visiting my bedside in Changi Hospital, where they would test my reflexes and be amazed (and as well confounded) by my eye-sight (I have always been a sucker for pretty ladies, and as well a good conversation, so I let loads slide *cough*). I actually wasn't funny then that folks did not know how to answer for my eye-sight condition, and it sure isn't funny now really (pretty ladies aside *cough-cough*).
Even now, I am not taking any medication for my eye-sight to get any better. Any sense of Western involvement in this endeavor has only led me to be treated with suffering silence, and/or the by now banal reassurance of the constantly repeated fact that it was the result of suffering from Stroke. I am not kind about this situation, and I have a right not to be, for no one has offered me a respite or even solution, besides: "The eye-sight will get well when the Stroke gets well" ~ which to me, is a whole lot of manure disguised with a smile.
In less than a week's time, I have an appointment scheduled to meet an "eye-specialist" in Changi, who perhaps might shed more light into my malady, and hopefully "cure", some semi-odd five months since suffering from my Stroke in 2010. Imagine that was how long folks had to go thru to wait for an appointment, or even felt it was "worthy" of seeking an appointment. In this, I am truly bitter and disillusioned at the current state of medical advances this country had to advise patients like me.
Meanwhile, I have been actively engaged in weekly acupuncture sessions, currently at three times a week (initially it was 10-days straight, when I was out of St Andrews, but that is the past now), for which they have straight out claimed to be doing work specifically for my vision. I grasp only at tangibles that lay before more, not hearsay nor mysterious circumstances. "Words" only mean so much to me right now, when I am dying to "see" the difference, truth be told.
[My Days With An Eye-Patch ... okay one of them does not count]
And I would state for the record, that my eye-sight has seen advanced improvement! There are even days when the double-vision is lesser (no doubt having my eyes used to the effect, might have been a boon), but of course there are days when the vision goes askew and I see double of everything still - most times due to advanced exposure and long time spent in front of the laptop and blogging, for which I have been derided by folks around me, the Chinese Sensei most especially LOL (bleh :p)
I type and blog with an eye-patch on, as well walk or go about in public with an eye-patch.
With blogging, it is reading and typing in large font sizes (controlled in the laptop, which is cool, compared to the 17-incher monitor of my desktop which basically died when I got home from hospitalization ~ WTF?). Some good days, I go without the patch, but most days I am reliant on it.
Since the Stroke, I no longer read the newspapers, or even novels, because the font is so blardy impossibly small for me. I had to even resort to using a magnifying glass to read printouts initially (online updates for when I was hospitalized). But just the other day, I grabbed a newspaper as I went to the bathroom (used to be a fav pastime of mine, yes, now you know) ~ the result being not too shabby, readable but with much focus needed, so perhaps the vision is getting better than I expected.
With going out in public, is another story altogether. They teach you in rehab, to see a vertical line in front of you, and walk towards it, to assist you in walking in a straight line. It didn't really use to work for me, as I had double lines to walk towards, and most times I stumbled like a drunkard man. With the patch, it does get better, and it forces focus unto the task in front of you. But when I am sitting down, or cycling on the treadmill, I would rather do without the patch.
My PT assistant mentioned this: "Wear the eye-patch when you're with girls, and not need them when you're chatting with the boys." = The patch might turn ladies on (sheeyahinmydreams) and the boys don't need the contest LOL
And traveling is also a worrying issue. I can sit still in a moving cab, but the moving visions outside of the window gave me a very bad headache initially. These days it is getting better, and I can actually look out the window, to see the world go by, or even read a natty magazine. Five semi-odd months into my Stroke recovery, I had better recover me sum, goshdammit!
I have also started taking the bus last week (all chaperoned of course, by my 70 year old father, no less) but frankly it works decent so far because I just focus on whatever is in front of me anyways, which most times might be my cane-handle, or a reflection of folks around me (hurhur). Sudden moves freak me out so much, I will not lie. And ironically, what I cannot see, I am afraid of the most.
Aside, what does it say about kids in Singapore, with ten out of ten mentioning "pirate" whenever they see me with an eye-patch? LOL
But of course I am worried of being too reliant on the eye-patch, and hope to one day be "recovered" enough to wean myself out of using it. If the acupuncture does not work, and there is no medication for it, I might have to wait until I have recovered from my Stroke, to know if it indeed will recover along. But I do not put much stakes into that notion.
[Will promote for a decent good eye-patch]
But hell, getting an eye-patch is not that easy an effort too, for most patches might not come with adjustable straps, and my recent gift has but been left with the strap disintegrated (no joke) thru sweat and constant-wear, and my new patch is hella tight and is giving me a headache whenever I wear them.
And if you need to know, I have a "home-patch", which I only wear at home, but is unsightly (I am still "vain" what? LOL). So typing this is not so much a worry, although my eye-sight is getting tired and crossing again (so this would not be too long an post :p)...
The irony of which is, my eye-sight is actually frighteningly crystal clear. I might see double-vision in front of me, but the clarity is literally shiny bright (no doubt thru the efforts of acupuncture) like looking at a HD screen-vision on most days LOL, and only goes to extreme blurriness when I am utilizing too much effort and for far too long a time, and most times it may be of eye-shit, but yes, I am giving excuses for myself.
What folks say is, say away from focusing on computers or tv and/or not spend too much time on them for too long. I find it hard to equate resting constantly and closing my eyes, then to getting better. But then again, I have never had Stroke before and know not otherwise.
Maybe one day soon I would have to be less stubborn, and stay offline for longer periods (but I don't want to be sleeping away, no?), and yes, typing less LOL
Actually, having impaired vision is not a laughing matter, but I thank god that I am not absolutely blind (touch wood TOUCH WOOD) because of the Stroke. And I embrace what I see everywhen, with humility, and being less judgmental (well, "try" anyways) in my visual analysis for "life".
Cheers
Andy
Back "then", the separation was actually worse, most times diagonal rather than side-by-side, and further apart. But by covering up either of the two eyeballs, I could actually look pretty much clear and straight, and I have since been wearing an eye-patch, to assist in lessening the irritation.
And irritating it is, if not ultimately worrying. The analysis back in the initial period when I was less scared (and decidedly more worried about my future), was that, even in a wheelchair for life (touch-wood TOUCH-WOOD) I could still conceivable type on a keyboard. But without my vision? I sure had very little options left, innit? I would have been fcuked bad if I had given-up and given-in then.
The visual senses were affected by the lack of blood-flow to the brain, an aspect of Stroke that folks know the effect of, but not necessarily how to treat it.
[Days before the eye-patch of Piratey-goodness]
I remember literal hordes of trainee doctors visiting my bedside in Changi Hospital, where they would test my reflexes and be amazed (and as well confounded) by my eye-sight (I have always been a sucker for pretty ladies, and as well a good conversation, so I let loads slide *cough*). I actually wasn't funny then that folks did not know how to answer for my eye-sight condition, and it sure isn't funny now really (pretty ladies aside *cough-cough*).
Even now, I am not taking any medication for my eye-sight to get any better. Any sense of Western involvement in this endeavor has only led me to be treated with suffering silence, and/or the by now banal reassurance of the constantly repeated fact that it was the result of suffering from Stroke. I am not kind about this situation, and I have a right not to be, for no one has offered me a respite or even solution, besides: "The eye-sight will get well when the Stroke gets well" ~ which to me, is a whole lot of manure disguised with a smile.
In less than a week's time, I have an appointment scheduled to meet an "eye-specialist" in Changi, who perhaps might shed more light into my malady, and hopefully "cure", some semi-odd five months since suffering from my Stroke in 2010. Imagine that was how long folks had to go thru to wait for an appointment, or even felt it was "worthy" of seeking an appointment. In this, I am truly bitter and disillusioned at the current state of medical advances this country had to advise patients like me.
Meanwhile, I have been actively engaged in weekly acupuncture sessions, currently at three times a week (initially it was 10-days straight, when I was out of St Andrews, but that is the past now), for which they have straight out claimed to be doing work specifically for my vision. I grasp only at tangibles that lay before more, not hearsay nor mysterious circumstances. "Words" only mean so much to me right now, when I am dying to "see" the difference, truth be told.
[My Days With An Eye-Patch ... okay one of them does not count]
And I would state for the record, that my eye-sight has seen advanced improvement! There are even days when the double-vision is lesser (no doubt having my eyes used to the effect, might have been a boon), but of course there are days when the vision goes askew and I see double of everything still - most times due to advanced exposure and long time spent in front of the laptop and blogging, for which I have been derided by folks around me, the Chinese Sensei most especially LOL (bleh :p)
I type and blog with an eye-patch on, as well walk or go about in public with an eye-patch.
With blogging, it is reading and typing in large font sizes (controlled in the laptop, which is cool, compared to the 17-incher monitor of my desktop which basically died when I got home from hospitalization ~ WTF?). Some good days, I go without the patch, but most days I am reliant on it.
Since the Stroke, I no longer read the newspapers, or even novels, because the font is so blardy impossibly small for me. I had to even resort to using a magnifying glass to read printouts initially (online updates for when I was hospitalized). But just the other day, I grabbed a newspaper as I went to the bathroom (used to be a fav pastime of mine, yes, now you know) ~ the result being not too shabby, readable but with much focus needed, so perhaps the vision is getting better than I expected.
With going out in public, is another story altogether. They teach you in rehab, to see a vertical line in front of you, and walk towards it, to assist you in walking in a straight line. It didn't really use to work for me, as I had double lines to walk towards, and most times I stumbled like a drunkard man. With the patch, it does get better, and it forces focus unto the task in front of you. But when I am sitting down, or cycling on the treadmill, I would rather do without the patch.
My PT assistant mentioned this: "Wear the eye-patch when you're with girls, and not need them when you're chatting with the boys." = The patch might turn ladies on (sheeyahinmydreams) and the boys don't need the contest LOL
And traveling is also a worrying issue. I can sit still in a moving cab, but the moving visions outside of the window gave me a very bad headache initially. These days it is getting better, and I can actually look out the window, to see the world go by, or even read a natty magazine. Five semi-odd months into my Stroke recovery, I had better recover me sum, goshdammit!
I have also started taking the bus last week (all chaperoned of course, by my 70 year old father, no less) but frankly it works decent so far because I just focus on whatever is in front of me anyways, which most times might be my cane-handle, or a reflection of folks around me (hurhur). Sudden moves freak me out so much, I will not lie. And ironically, what I cannot see, I am afraid of the most.
Aside, what does it say about kids in Singapore, with ten out of ten mentioning "pirate" whenever they see me with an eye-patch? LOL
But of course I am worried of being too reliant on the eye-patch, and hope to one day be "recovered" enough to wean myself out of using it. If the acupuncture does not work, and there is no medication for it, I might have to wait until I have recovered from my Stroke, to know if it indeed will recover along. But I do not put much stakes into that notion.
[Will promote for a decent good eye-patch]
But hell, getting an eye-patch is not that easy an effort too, for most patches might not come with adjustable straps, and my recent gift has but been left with the strap disintegrated (no joke) thru sweat and constant-wear, and my new patch is hella tight and is giving me a headache whenever I wear them.
And if you need to know, I have a "home-patch", which I only wear at home, but is unsightly (I am still "vain" what? LOL). So typing this is not so much a worry, although my eye-sight is getting tired and crossing again (so this would not be too long an post :p)...
The irony of which is, my eye-sight is actually frighteningly crystal clear. I might see double-vision in front of me, but the clarity is literally shiny bright (no doubt thru the efforts of acupuncture) like looking at a HD screen-vision on most days LOL, and only goes to extreme blurriness when I am utilizing too much effort and for far too long a time, and most times it may be of eye-shit, but yes, I am giving excuses for myself.
What folks say is, say away from focusing on computers or tv and/or not spend too much time on them for too long. I find it hard to equate resting constantly and closing my eyes, then to getting better. But then again, I have never had Stroke before and know not otherwise.
Maybe one day soon I would have to be less stubborn, and stay offline for longer periods (but I don't want to be sleeping away, no?), and yes, typing less LOL
Actually, having impaired vision is not a laughing matter, but I thank god that I am not absolutely blind (touch wood TOUCH WOOD) because of the Stroke. And I embrace what I see everywhen, with humility, and being less judgmental (well, "try" anyways) in my visual analysis for "life".
Cheers
Andy
Maintaining Balance
One of the key aspects of my body affected by Stroke, was the partial paralysis of the right-side of my body, most notably the limbs. And while the situation was only temporary (thank god for that), the road to recovery had been a hard-fought one. In this I do not over-exaggerate and can but only pat myself on the back, for what I have achieved so far since the faithful day I lied still on the hospital bed.
Function to both my arm and limb were sorely affected when blood-flow to my brain was cut off during the advent of Stroke. Essentially from then on, my motor-functions are simply switched back to the day when I first learnt to walk as a baby, or it sure felt like it.
My brain remembers "to walk", but the feets do not listen and function as they did. I remembered to hold something with my right-hand (my master-hand, no less), but the fingers could barely grasp at anything, much less having my arm lifted up and being able to grab at anything automatically.
Along with my Stroke, I had lost the ability to speak properly, or breathe and swallow properly (but both conditions did not last long / more on them alters), but my hardest truth I had needed to over-come then, and even now, was the ability to walk free.
Taking everything for granted when I was healthy and walking frantically, the sudden stoppage of traveling by my own steam, was a hard pill to swallow indeed, as I would assume anyone else affected in this area. I remember refusing to feel "crippled", and worked hard in my daily rehab in the hospital wards (when I had regained my strength to). Every morning for a hour or so, I was in the capable efforts of my Physiotherapists in the Changi Hospital Ward 18.
PTs took care to help me regain balance - which was the primarily hit region of function - which directly affected the feet. I hobbled like a baby (or "bear" according to my "size" ;p) and gripped the wall-handles for life, as I step-by-step got back into "shape", and subsequently being able to bathe myself and walk around on a 4-Legged-Walker.
Trust me, being able to bathe yourself is as crucial an imperative as you would be walking. If you can't even take care of yourself in this instance, it would be a much harder walk to take.
It helped that my condition was considered by some to be "mild", so it seems. Hell, just a month before being hospitalized, I was living out my dream and intent of the blog, which was to be able to travel overseas (because of), and to report and see for myself all of which I used to blog about online! But perhaps, thinking back, enjoying the life and times of Thailand and Jakarta, may have well pushed me to the edge of my health :p
(Causes of Stroke, in my instance, included the accumulation of High Blood Pressure, high tension, high cholesterol and an onset of Diabetes - gosh but the food was awesome tho LOL)
Regardless, a month spent in Changi General Hospital led me to being wheelchair-pushed across the bridge to another month in St Andrews Community Hospital. By then, the daily sessions were also the reasons which got me back on my wobbly-feets.
In SACH, every morning (excluding weekends) consisted of physical exercises after breakfast. A hour and a half at PT - training strength of legs, and then another hour and half at OT ("Occupational Therapist"), which essentially trained the motor-functions above the waist.
I had re-learnt to "walk" (aided of course), down corridors ("stumble" be more accurate LOL) and even climb stairs (thank gods for railings!). I had regained the mobility of my right-arm and hand, I could draw and write again. Most of all, I felt itches on my hand and feet, which literally meant I could FEEL again.
Can't decide if that's a good thing or bad. I have had sratch-marks where I might not have felt scratching them previously tho :p
I worked my ass off everyday single day, and came back to the wards with sweat-patches that would make a grown man cry lol ~ I had wanted to walk again damning and no one could stop me!
A week before Christmas day in December 2010, I decided it was time to leave the ward and begin home-stay and recovery. I had felt "well" enough to be bold (as well a financial situation reared it's head there and then, which was sorted before I left the ward) to imagine leading a "new life" outside of the protection of the ward. And I made my decision known.
(There was also a "test" previously, when I had ventured out for a weekend at home, which was the Saturday I had actually visited STGCC in my wheelchair! I had wanted to as well see my reaction to being outside of the ward, and to be in public. It was a hella shellshock I haveta admit, but highyl doable then LOL)
Let there be no doubt, within the ward, you have a small army of folks surrounding you to assist you in anything you needed or wanted (reasonably, of course), as the folks are trained professionals. Most folks do not see that and expect their family at home to be just as effective and attentive. That is a totally false notion.
Fair enough that one condition of home-stay, is that one of the patient's caregiver come to the hospital, and be trained in bathing them, helping them get from bed to wheelchair etc. Everybody takes for granted their own body-weight, but imagine folks smaller than you trying to balance or contain you, is a harder pill to imagine, IMHO.
Out of hospital by Christmas, and back into weekly rehabilitation in February (after a short stint of reprieve and getting fat again urrrgggh), I had to attend two weekly sessions for about an hour and a half each time, split between my OT on Mondays, and PT on Thursdays, and as well a smattering of home-exercises in-between. But truth be told, being self-motivated is a harder challenge. Although ironically enough, during rehab in the wards-era, most folks around me did not seem too concerned with "getting better" and doing their individual exercises ~ which I attribute to a sheer lack of interest physiologically in attaining their life back. Most folks seem to wallow in despair and choose instead to make do with what they were dealt with - which makes it even harder for me to be energized about = no one to work out with! lol
I have since then learnt to "zone out" and block everyone out while I do my exercises, and just carry on with my own rehab - the trouble being sometimes I over-exert myself, and my aching body constantly reminds me of that lapse LOL
In a way, I have also learnt to be more selfish than usual, as no one will help me get any better (beyond my PTs and OTs) except for myself, and of course educating my family with what is happening to me and my body, which I constantly do. I reckon loads of folks need to be able to communicate with their families as well, or all they can do, is buy you a better wheelchair and provide you amenities, but do not actually know how you are doing physically. Fair enough some patients have a hard time verbalizing, or even "talking", but it pays to work out hints and clues to whatever feelings and situations may permit. It will only do you good, and no harm, IMHO.
I reckon most of the "domestic help" assisting the older folks at rehab, may well know better about their ward, than their actual family does. But that is just conjunction on my part, and it is not and never will be my place to pry.
Two months at home, I had travelled around in public on a rented wheelchair, and hobbled around at home without aids. Perhaps it is familiarity at the home front, but I felt more safe going around at home, than at al in public places. In time, I walked free in the rehab area as well, as frankly, I felt protected by the staff around me.
In reality, the sense of "being protected" is well attached to one's ability to be able to walk, and once you regain that ability - in whatever level - you will feel you have regain independence, and hence the notion to be able to protect yourself (from falling etc), and you'll be more at peace with what is needed to be done, to get better. I know I did, and still do.
Walking fast or slow, is redundant if you do not have "balance", and I have since realized that is most important, as there IS strength in my limbs, but being able to control them and so whatever I want with them whenever? Therein lies the rub … Any semblance of metaphors related to "life" and the balance of, I remain both skeptical and as well highly appreciative of though :)
Fast forward to end of March, scant five months after my Stroke in end-October 2010, I had made my way to the cinema on Thursday last (to view Sucker Punch, right after my weekly morning-rehab!), and wandered around Marina Bay Sands on Sunday - all with a walking stick (and a whole lotta rests on seats in-between LOL).
The downside of it all, is I recognize I tend to stumble around moreso than I ever did before, perhaps regaining my "speed" is not an indication I have my life from before back at full-steam. And the fear that I have begun to "make do" with whatever ability to walk I have had, actually worries me quite a bit. But regardless, I still try to keep myself in check, as ultimately, it is only me who knows what's capable to be achieved for myself (although my trainers have other plans for me LOL).
Ironically, I had not been much of a supporter of walking canes, having remember something my PY mentioned during my stay in Changi, that she did not want me to develop a "slanted-gait" while walking with a cane. Months later, I embrace the cane, and as well relish the day I can chuck it away and walk free again, and maintain balance, and yes, to travel overseas (if I can afford to anyways).
I'm looking at July for Taipei Toy Festival, and maybe a September walkabout in United Kingdom - but perhaps yes, I am getting ahead of myself again … I will be looking forward to another trip (and more) to the cinemas, bummed-eye be damned! (Now THAT is another post for another day!). And as I near always reply when folks ask about my health = *Rehab Continues* ~ because in all truth and honesty, it still does :)
Function to both my arm and limb were sorely affected when blood-flow to my brain was cut off during the advent of Stroke. Essentially from then on, my motor-functions are simply switched back to the day when I first learnt to walk as a baby, or it sure felt like it.
My brain remembers "to walk", but the feets do not listen and function as they did. I remembered to hold something with my right-hand (my master-hand, no less), but the fingers could barely grasp at anything, much less having my arm lifted up and being able to grab at anything automatically.
Along with my Stroke, I had lost the ability to speak properly, or breathe and swallow properly (but both conditions did not last long / more on them alters), but my hardest truth I had needed to over-come then, and even now, was the ability to walk free.
Taking everything for granted when I was healthy and walking frantically, the sudden stoppage of traveling by my own steam, was a hard pill to swallow indeed, as I would assume anyone else affected in this area. I remember refusing to feel "crippled", and worked hard in my daily rehab in the hospital wards (when I had regained my strength to). Every morning for a hour or so, I was in the capable efforts of my Physiotherapists in the Changi Hospital Ward 18.
PTs took care to help me regain balance - which was the primarily hit region of function - which directly affected the feet. I hobbled like a baby (or "bear" according to my "size" ;p) and gripped the wall-handles for life, as I step-by-step got back into "shape", and subsequently being able to bathe myself and walk around on a 4-Legged-Walker.
Trust me, being able to bathe yourself is as crucial an imperative as you would be walking. If you can't even take care of yourself in this instance, it would be a much harder walk to take.
It helped that my condition was considered by some to be "mild", so it seems. Hell, just a month before being hospitalized, I was living out my dream and intent of the blog, which was to be able to travel overseas (because of), and to report and see for myself all of which I used to blog about online! But perhaps, thinking back, enjoying the life and times of Thailand and Jakarta, may have well pushed me to the edge of my health :p
(Causes of Stroke, in my instance, included the accumulation of High Blood Pressure, high tension, high cholesterol and an onset of Diabetes - gosh but the food was awesome tho LOL)
Regardless, a month spent in Changi General Hospital led me to being wheelchair-pushed across the bridge to another month in St Andrews Community Hospital. By then, the daily sessions were also the reasons which got me back on my wobbly-feets.
In SACH, every morning (excluding weekends) consisted of physical exercises after breakfast. A hour and a half at PT - training strength of legs, and then another hour and half at OT ("Occupational Therapist"), which essentially trained the motor-functions above the waist.
I had re-learnt to "walk" (aided of course), down corridors ("stumble" be more accurate LOL) and even climb stairs (thank gods for railings!). I had regained the mobility of my right-arm and hand, I could draw and write again. Most of all, I felt itches on my hand and feet, which literally meant I could FEEL again.
Can't decide if that's a good thing or bad. I have had sratch-marks where I might not have felt scratching them previously tho :p
I worked my ass off everyday single day, and came back to the wards with sweat-patches that would make a grown man cry lol ~ I had wanted to walk again damning and no one could stop me!
A week before Christmas day in December 2010, I decided it was time to leave the ward and begin home-stay and recovery. I had felt "well" enough to be bold (as well a financial situation reared it's head there and then, which was sorted before I left the ward) to imagine leading a "new life" outside of the protection of the ward. And I made my decision known.
(There was also a "test" previously, when I had ventured out for a weekend at home, which was the Saturday I had actually visited STGCC in my wheelchair! I had wanted to as well see my reaction to being outside of the ward, and to be in public. It was a hella shellshock I haveta admit, but highyl doable then LOL)
Let there be no doubt, within the ward, you have a small army of folks surrounding you to assist you in anything you needed or wanted (reasonably, of course), as the folks are trained professionals. Most folks do not see that and expect their family at home to be just as effective and attentive. That is a totally false notion.
Fair enough that one condition of home-stay, is that one of the patient's caregiver come to the hospital, and be trained in bathing them, helping them get from bed to wheelchair etc. Everybody takes for granted their own body-weight, but imagine folks smaller than you trying to balance or contain you, is a harder pill to imagine, IMHO.
Out of hospital by Christmas, and back into weekly rehabilitation in February (after a short stint of reprieve and getting fat again urrrgggh), I had to attend two weekly sessions for about an hour and a half each time, split between my OT on Mondays, and PT on Thursdays, and as well a smattering of home-exercises in-between. But truth be told, being self-motivated is a harder challenge. Although ironically enough, during rehab in the wards-era, most folks around me did not seem too concerned with "getting better" and doing their individual exercises ~ which I attribute to a sheer lack of interest physiologically in attaining their life back. Most folks seem to wallow in despair and choose instead to make do with what they were dealt with - which makes it even harder for me to be energized about = no one to work out with! lol
I have since then learnt to "zone out" and block everyone out while I do my exercises, and just carry on with my own rehab - the trouble being sometimes I over-exert myself, and my aching body constantly reminds me of that lapse LOL
In a way, I have also learnt to be more selfish than usual, as no one will help me get any better (beyond my PTs and OTs) except for myself, and of course educating my family with what is happening to me and my body, which I constantly do. I reckon loads of folks need to be able to communicate with their families as well, or all they can do, is buy you a better wheelchair and provide you amenities, but do not actually know how you are doing physically. Fair enough some patients have a hard time verbalizing, or even "talking", but it pays to work out hints and clues to whatever feelings and situations may permit. It will only do you good, and no harm, IMHO.
I reckon most of the "domestic help" assisting the older folks at rehab, may well know better about their ward, than their actual family does. But that is just conjunction on my part, and it is not and never will be my place to pry.
Two months at home, I had travelled around in public on a rented wheelchair, and hobbled around at home without aids. Perhaps it is familiarity at the home front, but I felt more safe going around at home, than at al in public places. In time, I walked free in the rehab area as well, as frankly, I felt protected by the staff around me.
In reality, the sense of "being protected" is well attached to one's ability to be able to walk, and once you regain that ability - in whatever level - you will feel you have regain independence, and hence the notion to be able to protect yourself (from falling etc), and you'll be more at peace with what is needed to be done, to get better. I know I did, and still do.
Walking fast or slow, is redundant if you do not have "balance", and I have since realized that is most important, as there IS strength in my limbs, but being able to control them and so whatever I want with them whenever? Therein lies the rub … Any semblance of metaphors related to "life" and the balance of, I remain both skeptical and as well highly appreciative of though :)
Fast forward to end of March, scant five months after my Stroke in end-October 2010, I had made my way to the cinema on Thursday last (to view Sucker Punch, right after my weekly morning-rehab!), and wandered around Marina Bay Sands on Sunday - all with a walking stick (and a whole lotta rests on seats in-between LOL).
The downside of it all, is I recognize I tend to stumble around moreso than I ever did before, perhaps regaining my "speed" is not an indication I have my life from before back at full-steam. And the fear that I have begun to "make do" with whatever ability to walk I have had, actually worries me quite a bit. But regardless, I still try to keep myself in check, as ultimately, it is only me who knows what's capable to be achieved for myself (although my trainers have other plans for me LOL).
Ironically, I had not been much of a supporter of walking canes, having remember something my PY mentioned during my stay in Changi, that she did not want me to develop a "slanted-gait" while walking with a cane. Months later, I embrace the cane, and as well relish the day I can chuck it away and walk free again, and maintain balance, and yes, to travel overseas (if I can afford to anyways).
I'm looking at July for Taipei Toy Festival, and maybe a September walkabout in United Kingdom - but perhaps yes, I am getting ahead of myself again … I will be looking forward to another trip (and more) to the cinemas, bummed-eye be damned! (Now THAT is another post for another day!). And as I near always reply when folks ask about my health = *Rehab Continues* ~ because in all truth and honesty, it still does :)
18.3.11
Stroke Happens
How do you recognize when it is you are having Stroke? How do you react when you are having Stroke?
All these can be readily answered, with prescribed ways to handle yourself, given the right circumstances. But from my personal experience, when it hits, it doesn't take a whole long while before the effects grab at you and leave you helpless.
I remember a story from Jason, my bed-neighbor (in Ward 18 in Changi Hospital), whereby his second Stroke (yes, it happens twice in your life) hit him while he was about to go to work. He was locked in his own home alone for nearly seven hours, before police came to bang-down the front door of his house to get to him.
Apparently he had the notion to call his office (having the experience from the first Stroke, he was prepared) while lying on the floor from the effects of Stroke, and apparently the story went that his secretary thought it was a prank joke played on her on the phone, as his speech had by then was affected (when I first knew him in the ward, his speech was badly slurred). He got thru subsequently it seems.
Being alone when it happens? Man, that story sends chills down my spine.
On the other end of the spectrum, I was told another occurrence, this time by Alex, my bed-neighbor in St Andrews. Apparently he had experienced the event throughout an entire day, and not know about it! He even continued at work, and drove the car home. Until an uneasy feeling (and as well advise from his wife) made him visit the doctor's the next day, who promptly told him he had Stroke!
Not knowing you've got it, and still carry on with the day? Spine-chills, you get the picture.
Regardless of how extremely discomforting or even cluelessly uneventful, the effects of Stroke ultimately leaves a person paralyzed to a certain degree, and steps need to be taken to rehabilitate and make that right again. Rehabilitation is "after the fact", and as necessary as it is, this is not what the post is about.
Jason's speech got better and better within the month I was lying beside him (hence he could tell me his story), while Alex's ability to walk improved as the days went on, while we were both doing rehab, within the month we spent together in the same ward.
Yes, there is hope for recovery, and yes Stroke is devastating. But what may be different from each other, is how and when Stroke happened, and how some stories are absolutely different, or the same altogether.
Here are some "simple" warning signs of a Stroke (via Snopes.com):
- Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body.
- Sudden confusion, trouble speaking, or understanding.
- Sudden trouble seeing in one of both eyes.
- Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
- Sudden, severe headache with no known cause.
You would notice ALL of the above has "Sudden" mentioned. Simply because generally Stroke hits you quick and you feel the effects just as quick (although not in the case of Alex ;p). Essentially, Stroke happens when blood flow to your brain is disrupted, which affects all or some of the points mentioned above. Quite ironically, it is the literal metaphor or someone sneaking up behind you and SUDDENLY attacks you by the neck ~ because that is what Stroke literally does, with the veins most times situated at the back of the neck being affected!
For me, I had headaches first, followed by numbness on my right-side, followed by loss of balance and sight, and eventually speech. [How it begun for me].
I really do not know for a fact how to even get prepared for this. Have your telephone near you always? Always be near other folks? All I or anyone else can do, is to spread the word and let folks know about what needs to be done. Know that the first 24 hours is crucial, so don't dally about, not that you have time to anyways!
Seriously, when all of the above hits you suddenly, it really needs you to have strength of mind to no freakout and to execute even the simplest task of calling for help, be it on phone, or screaming out to people around you. Hell I was clueless about my condition to even begun to freakout (which now, sorta freaks me out a little), but I thank my graces everyday, that I still lived with my parents, and that my dad and sister were present in the room, when I had my episode.
Cheers
Andy
P/S: I had the notion for this article while having a conversation with a rehab-volunteer today. Eric asked me how it begun, and I realized not a whole lot of folks ask that (well, folks "in the know" of course), while most folks outside of the illness are more concerned with "what lead to it". I would not deny "Prevention" might perhaps be a good "ciure" to Stroke, but perhaps an educated knowledge of it, can help as well.
All these can be readily answered, with prescribed ways to handle yourself, given the right circumstances. But from my personal experience, when it hits, it doesn't take a whole long while before the effects grab at you and leave you helpless.
I remember a story from Jason, my bed-neighbor (in Ward 18 in Changi Hospital), whereby his second Stroke (yes, it happens twice in your life) hit him while he was about to go to work. He was locked in his own home alone for nearly seven hours, before police came to bang-down the front door of his house to get to him.
Apparently he had the notion to call his office (having the experience from the first Stroke, he was prepared) while lying on the floor from the effects of Stroke, and apparently the story went that his secretary thought it was a prank joke played on her on the phone, as his speech had by then was affected (when I first knew him in the ward, his speech was badly slurred). He got thru subsequently it seems.
Being alone when it happens? Man, that story sends chills down my spine.
On the other end of the spectrum, I was told another occurrence, this time by Alex, my bed-neighbor in St Andrews. Apparently he had experienced the event throughout an entire day, and not know about it! He even continued at work, and drove the car home. Until an uneasy feeling (and as well advise from his wife) made him visit the doctor's the next day, who promptly told him he had Stroke!
Not knowing you've got it, and still carry on with the day? Spine-chills, you get the picture.
Regardless of how extremely discomforting or even cluelessly uneventful, the effects of Stroke ultimately leaves a person paralyzed to a certain degree, and steps need to be taken to rehabilitate and make that right again. Rehabilitation is "after the fact", and as necessary as it is, this is not what the post is about.
Jason's speech got better and better within the month I was lying beside him (hence he could tell me his story), while Alex's ability to walk improved as the days went on, while we were both doing rehab, within the month we spent together in the same ward.
Yes, there is hope for recovery, and yes Stroke is devastating. But what may be different from each other, is how and when Stroke happened, and how some stories are absolutely different, or the same altogether.
Here are some "simple" warning signs of a Stroke (via Snopes.com):
- Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body.
- Sudden confusion, trouble speaking, or understanding.
- Sudden trouble seeing in one of both eyes.
- Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
- Sudden, severe headache with no known cause.
You would notice ALL of the above has "Sudden" mentioned. Simply because generally Stroke hits you quick and you feel the effects just as quick (although not in the case of Alex ;p). Essentially, Stroke happens when blood flow to your brain is disrupted, which affects all or some of the points mentioned above. Quite ironically, it is the literal metaphor or someone sneaking up behind you and SUDDENLY attacks you by the neck ~ because that is what Stroke literally does, with the veins most times situated at the back of the neck being affected!
For me, I had headaches first, followed by numbness on my right-side, followed by loss of balance and sight, and eventually speech. [How it begun for me].
I really do not know for a fact how to even get prepared for this. Have your telephone near you always? Always be near other folks? All I or anyone else can do, is to spread the word and let folks know about what needs to be done. Know that the first 24 hours is crucial, so don't dally about, not that you have time to anyways!
Seriously, when all of the above hits you suddenly, it really needs you to have strength of mind to no freakout and to execute even the simplest task of calling for help, be it on phone, or screaming out to people around you. Hell I was clueless about my condition to even begun to freakout (which now, sorta freaks me out a little), but I thank my graces everyday, that I still lived with my parents, and that my dad and sister were present in the room, when I had my episode.
Cheers
Andy
P/S: I had the notion for this article while having a conversation with a rehab-volunteer today. Eric asked me how it begun, and I realized not a whole lot of folks ask that (well, folks "in the know" of course), while most folks outside of the illness are more concerned with "what lead to it". I would not deny "Prevention" might perhaps be a good "ciure" to Stroke, but perhaps an educated knowledge of it, can help as well.
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