Truth be told, I had never been that razor sharp exact with my “timing” for this specific day, but my addled memory tells me that today, “October 20th” is the day I had awoken at the “Acute Stroke Ward”, in Changi Hospital, in 2010 - which I had since dubbed my “Stroke Birthday”, being the seriously “wannabe-poetic-me” … the irony being, I’d forgotten and passed this particular day too often and many a years since 2010 (except in 2017 :p).
“Poetry” and me have had a rocky relationship, suffice to say…
Nine years on, this is what I’ve learnt so far;
Having not taken better care of my body "health"-wise, I might not be in the best of shape, for the better part of these nine years. The irony which I constantly tell folks, that I had been the “most fit during my adult-life” was when I was in rehabilitation in the early-months post-Stroke, has given way to a expanded waist and tired body, with a developing kidney issue and diabetes ravaging my leg(s), and a constant fear of relapse, casting a shadow over my waking life.
To my understanding, my ability to recover from Stroke had been the amount of effort I had taken to rehabilitate early on. But after that, I had seriously lapsed in my efforts, due to whatever reasons that no longer matter as much as having something(s) to point and lay blame on, but “myself” for lacking the spirit to push forth.
Had I let “depression” get the better of me? After the reality of how Stroke had impacted my day-to-day, after leaving the comfort and safety of the hospital environment? The slow but steady lurching of self-doubt engulfing my subconsciousness, retarding my personal growth, and lacklustre "career"?
Had I let the sadness of my Dad’s passing get me down?
Had I given up the fight?
The answer might well be YES to all, and the result is what I am feeling right here right now, embraced by the plastic hand-me-down chair (from my brother), sat in front of the desktop computer, in the sanctuary of my bedroom, unwilling to greet the world outside. Well, "most" of the world...
I experienced GOUT for the first time, not long ago - both feet back-to-back too - due to the unhealthy levels of Uric acid built-up within me (stemming from deteriorating Kidney), so much so that my doctor shakes his head and frowns - something I never see him do, so THAT worries me in return. I had oft said in the past "if you are not worried, I would not be"... BUT if you ARE...?
And my diet has since altered to not include red meat, beans, some seafood (I have a "list" ... damned that long list...), and all matter of yummies I had been indulging in through these heady years, which frankly some yums I should have abstained from, in the first place. Yums I had posted images of, which well-meaning folks constantly giving me shit about (Thank You for this who bother to)...
And it was not as if the onset of Gout was particularly painful - of course it also was lah knn - but enough to make me alter my diet?
Let me put it this way: Having experienced the past nine years without physical pain, I had taken for granted what I put into my body (*Shouldn't be JUST "less sugar less salt", of course), and now with the pain being quite literally a nerve-wrecking alarm-clock to my addled brain, I have since taken to salads and more greens in my life.
The upside was, I lost 2kgs within the first two weeks of my “new” diet, along with (semi) regular exercise, which had since been halted due to the bullshit-reason of “haze” (AKA “my own self-given bullshit”), and more likely gained back what I had lost.
The dietary plan continues in earnest. The haze has since been replaced with sun and drizzles, so I've no excuses now too, right?
*cough*
Dieting at home is one thing, but needing to meet friends and break bread together, is another hurdle altogether.
The thing is, I have burdened people with my health stories for the past nine years, and I quite frankly am past explaining myself - which is unfair to my friends, of course, but it makes "making new friends" a challenge, I admit. All of which leads to be abstaining from people for the past few years ... so to counteract that, I aim to make more new friends this year hahahaha
I'll just have to learn to surround myself with friends who give a shit, rather than give twofcuks about folks who don't, innit? LOL
To be fair, one could argue about what "you could do for others", rather than be selfishly whining about what "others could do for you", and it is legit fair, but it takes two hands to clap as well, so let the chips falls as they may, and may we click our kopi-cups together, for the folks who choose to, innit? LOL
This has not particular been a “uplifting year”. The earlier part of 2019 had left me worried about my Kidney and Prostate. Pretty much endless days and nights of worrying about C.T. scan results, and various doctors frowning at my medical tests, kept me personally with constant clenched cheeks and stone sweats in my heart, lemme tell you! LOL
I have since learnt that I no longer mind spending money on tests to give myself a peace of mind, and that even if I am worrying “over nothing”, it is for myself to feel, and no one else’s to bother about, and have since learnt not to hope nor expect anything from anyone in return, family notwithstanding.
And while I appreciate all advice and words of encouragement and support all around, I do not expect sympathy nor am I soliciting for anything beyond a silent understanding. But man, "eating tips" are ALWAYS appreciated freely hahaha
The “enlarged” prostate situation went thru a few scans and has since diagnosed clean. After a few hundred dollars and staring into the bedroom ceiling more often than I care for (*I spent two months starring at hospital ceilings for my stay in 2010, fhanks), the results are clean. The feeling I have thought I had felt in my body, was not in existence. The mind has turned my fears into the "body's reality", innit. Be the as it may, the kidney remains a issue still.
The reality is, after nearly nine years of self-administered medication, one of which had helped contributed to my deteriorating kidney. For the purposes of this post, I probably should state WHAT that pill had been, but perhaps that’ll be for another time. My doctor has not outright verbally admitted it was though, but said medication has since been changed to another. This, is bullshit. Be careful who you eat, folks!
But to be fair, given the situation I had been in - nine years ago - I would not, and did not think as far ahead, and hindsight is always mutherfarkin 2020, innit? And my new catchword plaguing over me like a shroud of doom for the past year had been “dialysis”, thanks.
One of the main aims for this year (or the next), is to save/earn enough money, to be able to seek a "second opinion", on my current health status and medication intake.
But first, need to update the basic self-check equipment at home lah lol
Nine years later, the other physical thing I am feeling, is perhaps the onset of diabetes affecting my leg, specifically my left leg, with the numbness in the feet, slowly creeping its way up my toes, or so I feel.
You know when older folks say “tok1 tio3 kar1” (Hokkien for “chop off leg”)? This must be how it feels like before the chop…
One “upside” to all of my physicality is that my eye-sight has gotten “better”, diagnosed in my recent eye-exam - which I had let lapse for a few years actually - no mention of my cataract issue though (since being spotted from yeaaaaars back).
The reality is, I spend most of my money on medical than anything else comparatively, and that is another hurdle I cannot address at this point in time. You literally cannot afford to be sick, and hence the irony of “nine years wasted not getting physically healthier” slaps me hard, innit?
PIAK. PIAK. PIAK. And six more PIAKS after that, one for each year, fhanks.
I had not entertained the notion that I had “depression” for the past nine years, as I refuse to succumb to this “excuse” for myself, but the simple reality has me still TALKING about my Stroke to whomever, instead of my personal triumphs since the past nine years, because they do not exist as poignant as my Stroke.
I had let the pall of Stroke overshadow everything else in my life, from my achievements due to my blog, to all the friendships I let slide because I felt unworthy of said friendships, to a twisted parody of “self-pity” disguised as “self-preservation”, perhaps? I had chosen not to dwell too much in this train of thought, as I did not want to distract myself, but perhaps I should…?
Whatever they may be, "they" end up as “excuses”, as I have not moved on as much as I could and should have, after nine years of “Stroke-stories”, the more popular ones being:
(1) How I Quite Smoking - from the moment I wake up in the Acute Stroke Ward…
(2) The Pretty In-house Psychiatrist - which helped me recognise my forgotten desire to draw…
(3) Wriggling My Little Toe - and learning to walk again, thanks to Quentin Tarantino...
(4) My Waist-length hair being braided by my nurses (I'm keeping my hair long-ish currently too lol)
(5) Favourite being the double-vision, explaining my $2 Daiso specs and eye-patching ...
...and a few more I'll add to this later ... Tell me you haven't heard these from me before? LOL
In short, mentally recognising all these, nine years later, is bullshit. More likely due to being tired of my own bullshit, rather than an "evolved" or developed sense of "self-realization", I suspect LOL
One of the take-aways from my rehabilitation days early-on in the game, when the therapists started to use the term "integrate into society" quite often in their speech (which felt like some terminology meant to be used after a specific timeline has passed, IMHO), which I had since recognised to mean "integration with your fellow human beings", as well as physical tasks such as being able to "take a bus" etc.
I had been so focused on the PHYSICAL aspect of living on, I no doubt neglected the people around me.
Understandably the first shield around Stroke survivors, is "family" (in my personal case), and the understanding of my needs, lack of patience is tolerated, and for that I am eternally grateful.
For the next level of "friends", I had lapsed in my "education" of my condition and needs - leaving folks not knowing and perhaps confused about my actions and/or inactions, and at the same time I too have lapsed in being able to provide FOR my friends and their own needs - including "attention", and perhaps my level of "care" does not match their expectations, and I've not spent much time explaining that nor level the field of influence.
Be that as it may, I would hazard that anyone who survives Stroke, that beyond the physical, the support they have and need, is essential and crucial. But "what type of support", you might ask?
Some take to "tough-love" ... some absorb better via "soft-serve" (*I personally am the later ... folks who show me the first, I close off immediately ~ LOL). So it's either we/you TELL folks first, or otherwise it'll be a constant game of catch. No one is a "mind-reader" (unless you might be a latent mutant, I judge you not), but it certainly NEEDS someone to be able to listen, accept and provide. And before that, someone to be able to articulate then FIRST, innit? "Guilty" as charged, but then again, even so, I would dare say, not everyone remembers, and neither are they expect to, innit? But then that would mean I would heave to be constantly talking about my Stroke, innit? LOL ... Otherwise, it shouldn't need to be a "fight" to get the message across, innit?
Ultimately, to each his/her own, and I have since learnt, after nine years of knocking my head on walls, and whispering thru open cracked doorways, that maybe "self-preservation" is the more effective short-term option, for now... "long-term"? I am living it, evry other day haha
There are much more grouses and complains in my life, but I also need to remember that THIS is a blog about "Stroke", and perhaps I'll leave my "quality of life" as much as these have been, along with images from my personal Insta, which quite frankly serves as a archival visual record of my life after Stroke, mores than anybody ever realises.
Stay Healthy, folks!
Andy
